i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
