We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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