I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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