then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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