That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
