i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
