from now on my penis is your penis
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
