NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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