I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
