Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
