a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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