I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
