I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
