thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
