My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
