Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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