I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize