I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
