Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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