u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
