I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
