in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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