Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
