You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
