I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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