she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize