just come out here and I will go home with you...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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