so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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