come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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