I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
