I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
