The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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