He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
