Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
