so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
