i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
