I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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