Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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