i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
