plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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