yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
