I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
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