whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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