I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
