phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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