he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
the day after is always just damage control
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
