Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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