Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
