How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I don't deserve a penis
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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