He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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