How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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