If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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