we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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