if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
