then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
