So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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