Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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