Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
