Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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