"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize