Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
