Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
