he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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