Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
