People in love make me want to vomit
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
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