You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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