At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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