He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
