her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
