You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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