Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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