Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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